By: Starielle Hope
One of the most common misconceptions I hear about dating is that it is “a numbers game”. That you have to “kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince” or some other nonsense. I also often hear from my clients that they are frustrated with dating in their city because there are “no good men (or women) left” or “it’s really hard to meet people in [insert your city here]".
And this is actually completely normal and understandable. We are raised to seek external validation through achievement, so it makes sense that when something is not going the way we want it to, we blame outside factors.
We seem to have a general agreement in our society that dating has a lot to do with luck and our skills when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. I’m not saying those factors don’t come into play, they certainly do. But you can have all the luck and skills in the world and still end up in either no relationship, or a series of shorter relationships that last a few months to a year and then fizzle out.
I know from personal experience that dating has much less to do with who we meet than we think it does.
Today I am in the most deep, loving, honest relationship I have ever been in with an incredible man who exemplifies many of the qualities I have said I wanted for a long time. He is strong and smart, he is willing to talk with me about anything, he is creative and loves to design experiences for the two of us, he’s even an incredible cook. But most of all, he sees me and celebrates me fully, so much so that sometimes he is able to see me more clearly than I can see myself.
We have been together now for a little over a year, and this relationship has been completely different than any other I’ve had, all in amazing ways.
I met him two and a half years ago but I don’t even remember meeting him then. I met him again a few months later, and this time, I remember meeting him but walked away with only a vague impression that he seemed like a “nice guy”. No lasting impact.
It wasn’t until we met a third time that I felt that spark of chemistry, that almost inexplicable energetic pull towards him in my body.
So what was different?
As far as I know, he was essentially the same man that I had met that first time. Why didn’t I take notice of him then?
Somewhere along the journey of my life I had learned to expect that people would let me down; that they would disappoint me, that I couldn’t trust others to take care of me so I had to be in control. I had to be the one taking care of others so that I could be in control and be loved.
What we expect and what we are looking for is generally what we will find. I kept saying that I wanted a man who would be my equal but I was also terrified of meeting this man because then I wouldn’t be in control, so I actually blocked out my experience of meeting him until I was ready.
I was listening to the stories in my head, old programming leftover from previous experiences that wasn’t serving me anymore, instead of listening to my body’s deeper wisdom.
In those previous relationships, I continued to date men long after my body told me she was done. After a few months I would find it increasingly difficult to become aroused with those partners and I would start to experience pain and irritation in my pussy during sex.
I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was broken, and that was why I was experiencing pain. In fact, my body was trying to guide me away from relationships that weren’t serving me anymore.
When I finally started listening to my body and allowing her to signal to me where I needed to slow down and tune into something more deeply before acting, that was when I began to open up to new possibilities. Around this time was when I met my current partner, and was able to recognize the way my body reacted to him, I felt inexplicably drawn towards him even though I had no idea why at the time.
As we’ve spent this past year together and I’ve gotten to know him more deeply, layer after layer of logical reasons for why I am drawn to him have unfolded to confirm what my body knew in an instant.
Photo by Inna Shnayder