By Mariah @rosewitchh
Los Angeles, CA
I was raised to believe that girls are supposed to be pure. I was taught that in order to be worthy I must come with no experience, ready to be taken by the partner who chooses me based on his desires. If I was the most pure and the most giving, one day he would wake me from this life of searching for fulfillment. I’ll be whisked off to a life where my primary focus will be to make this rescuer comfortable and happy. In return, I will have everything I need.
I was told that as women, our jobs are to make the lives of men comfortable, as long as they provide us with enough cushion to stay silent in their shadow. We do this by learning at an early age that we are supposed to be pretty and soft, and then we get older and are supposed to be sexy and available. What happens is we learn to be sexy and we wait around for fairytale princes. Instead of being loved and taken care of like we’ve been promised, we learn how to fake our orgasms just so we can make them feel strong and capable. We learn how to heal quickly from disappointing men with emotional unavailability, just so we can be ready for the next potential prince.
I started seeing the toxicity of entertaining these ideas after experiencing so much pain that I was left with the dreadful truth that I had given away all my power for basically free. Post-toxic relationship trauma, I found myself in a place where I couldn’t even fathom the intimate touch of another person. For years prior, I found disconnection from my body in sexual experiences. Instead of recognizing my honest role with men in those small moments of intimacy, I grew small in the presence of sexual partners who didn’t understand my worth. I chased them and wracked my head and heart wondering how much more I needed to give before someone could give the same amount back. Of course, it wasn’t until I learned that only I could give myself that fulfillment that everything changed.
Pain came. I sat in it. And then it was like all at once, every disconnected sexual experience I’ve ever had just came pouring out of my body with a weight that suffocated my spirit and sense of self so fully that I was forced to face the truth of this distorted reality that too many of us live in. This reality is empty of true connection to our senses because we have learned to give it all away for free.
After the pain, I got angry again. I became full of disappointment and rage towards all the lovers who have wronged me. I thought of how many times I did exactly what I was supposed to. I took my clothes off at the right time, I gave oral sex, I dressed up in sexy lingerie, I sent nude photos. I listened to his needs and sacrificed my own so he could feel strong and worthy over and over.
I had been silent about what my intuition knew was true for too long. I think these things manifest themselves in long periods of disconnected intimacy, in abusive relationships, in self-hate, in substance abuse, in insecurity, and most importantly, in loss of connecting to our highest power and truth. I numbed myself to true magical connection, the way I had always known it in my spirit, because I developed this idea that I didn’t deserve it. I think I also never really knew how powerful it was to be tapped in that way. I was raised to be loving, thoughtful, and full of the passion to take care of others.
I think of my sensuality as the highest form of connection to my spirit. I believe we are all spiritual beings living a human experience. In our human experience, we adapt stories about our lives and we carry them with us everywhere. Our stories shape our identity from the perspective of our ego. Sometimes our stories lead us so far off our true paths that we wake up in a body that doesn’t really feel like ours anymore.
My sensuality is a power. My sensuality is my deep and sexy love for myself and every inch of magic that is contained within me. It’s in the truth that I know there’s no man in this world physically capable of doing what women do...and for that, I feel power. So I’m here now. Feeling so passionate about what I’ve learned from these experiences that I can’t help but want to share them with every woman I come in contact with. I know she needs to hear it more than once. The same way I need to keep hearing it too. I encourage you to empower your sisters to tap in, to trust the power of her senses.
When you start to question your confidence, imagine yourself a beautiful and radiant goddess sitting atop a throne designed specifically for you. This throne contains all the power you’ll ever need to not only to fulfill your own needs but to fulfill the needs of those that deserve your love. If this means one man for the rest of your life or to all of the ones you feel like sharing yourself with, do it fully, with all your power, prioritizing every single atom of your own needs.
My journey into this spiritual awakening has allowed me to feel close and protected by the highest power I’ve known in my life so far. This is a power I know all women have. The power of my intuition, of my desire to give and receive love deeply, of my ability to connect to my own sensuality, and my potential to connect to another in a way that I truly can only otherwise describe as magical.
This magic is inside me. It flows through me and it shines when I wake it. It glitters with lust and drips through my spirit. It looks him in the eyes and grasps onto the most fragile vines of his nature. These vines of his, they exist because of women, they are fed by our molecules and they only live on as they continue to feed directly from our breasts, between our legs, and on our senses like the water that fuels life itself. Without us, their vines grow weak, lost, helpless. They die without us.