I remember the first time I realized my body had matured. It was summer and I was walking out of a gas station to my mom’s car when I heard the voices of older men whooping to get my attention. It completely caught me off guard thinking they could not possibly be talking to me. Suddenly, my mother got out of her car and yelled past me, “She is only 14!” I scurried back to her car confused and questioning their intentions, my body, and myself.
Of course, like any teen, I was boy crazy, but that experience made me contemplate my appearance and question if I in any way provoked their unwanted advances. Over time, I internalized my desires and curiosities through prudish behaviors in fear that I would be taken advantage of or misunderstood. My imagination became my playground, and I allowed myself to indulge in introspection and fantasy in the safety of my mind. This defense mechanism made me feel safe until one day I realized it was a hindrance to being my true and authentic self.
I have sometimes found that there is a disconnect between my mind and my body. Because I have built a haven in my head, it can be difficult to shuffle that energy down throughout my body and live in the present. I realized that idea in 2020 more than ever. Staying home and internalizing all of the external conflict of our community, left me little to no room to roam and play in the deepest levels of my desires and subconscious. A constant consumption of worry, fear, and doubt made it damn near impossible to come to satisfaction. A blocked mind is a blocked libido, and that’s never any fun.
After a period of frustration and anxiety, I decided to clear out and make space for the experiences I sought. The main way this change took place is through a media detox, which meant making the conscious decisions to be mindful about the information I take in and concern myself with. This simple change created opportunities to indulge in the moment. Instead of scrolling on my phone I could read, bathe, lather or wonder. I was able to take things a little slower, and process things a little longer.
This deliberate practice has allowed me to rediscover my body by becoming more intentional with my time and energy. My sensuality has evolved from the confines of my fantasies to including sensory stimulation and physical expression. This rediscovery has encouraged me to feel safe in my mind and my body and has helped me along my holistic healing journey.
You can find K.G. on Instagram at @sheprojects_