By: Arielle Aquino
Female ejaculation aka squirting has earned the reputation for being the height of sexual consummation for a woman. But is it?
As someone who has squirted on exactly two occasions, they were kind of random and inconsequential experiences which had little to do with the extent of my arousal. In the first instance, I was very young. It was one of the first times I had sex and at the time I didn’t even know it had happened. That was until we turned on the lights and noticed a HUGE wet patch in the bed that had soaked all the way through to the mattress. Whoops.
Squirting came up a lot throughout my early adulthood as something revered by my male partners as the ultimate goal, as if it were validation of their sexual prowess. I was never that interested in it - having had plenty of fulfilling sexual experiences without it. However, in the male-centric view of sexuality, of course ejaculation would be considered to be the end-goal.
It never happened again until 10-ish years later when a friend shared he had figured out how to make virtually any woman squirt. Of course I was intrigued to try it out. And so, the second time I squirted was very mechanical. When I agreed to put my pussy to the test of his technique, I went into it strictly as a research participant.
My aforementioned male friend started by giving me a full-body massage, then began massaging my pelvis and eventually inside my pussy. I was only moderately aroused. The whole time, I was in my head, wondering whether it was going to happen and feeling this pressure to enjoy it since it was obviously something he enjoyed doing. I wondered if I would be in the 10% of women he said he couldn’t make squirt, and what that would mean about me. Being a classic “pleaser”, I worried that if I didn’t squirt, he would feel insecure or bad about himself (so ridiculous I know!) This type of people pleasing instinct is so ingrained in women that it can be hard to set side, especially when it comes to sex.
He shared earlier that the trick was to tilt the woman’s pelvis upward, holding a hand underneath her butt to prop her up. There was a spot - not the g-spot but deeper inside - that needed to be aggressively stimulated for several minutes without stopping in order to release fluid. As I noticed he was speeding up his movements inside me, I wondered if we were getting close, but within my own body I didn’t feel it coming on like I would an orgasm.
All of a sudden I found myself making these sort of growling, deep grunts and animalistic noises that I had never heard myself make before. They were completely unconscious, spilling out of me of their own accord. Right when I started to become self-conscious and try to suppress them, I felt a huge gush of warm liquid between my legs and as I looked down, I caught a glimpse of liquid squirting all over his hand, the bed, and even up into the air. I laughed to myself because the display was so exaggerated, so ridiculous it almost seemed like that fake squirting porn. Except this was real. Shockingly, it had happened.
I can’t believe that just happened, I said laughing. And then reflexively, freaked out thinking it was pee. There was just SO MUCH liquid all over the bed, though it was clear and didn’t smell like pee. For me, it felt kind of like a fun party trick that was novel to experience, but I did not experience orgasm at the point of ejaculation. In fact, I would say the feeling was almost neutral - neither unpleasant nor particularly pleasurable.
Don’t get me wrong, it was pleasurable to have my pussy stimulated, but because it was so deep internally, I didn’t experience a classic clitoral/G-spot orgasm and the pleasure was quite subdued. For me, this experience was more of a release - a catharsis. It felt healing to release in this way, and healing to face my fear of being “gross”, “messy” and wildly feminine. I was grateful for that experience for those reasons.
So where does this interest in squirting come from - men or women? When we decided to do a workshop on squirting, I noticed that male friends were the ones sliding into our DMs about it the most, and despite the event page stating this was restricted to female-identifying folks, a few of them signed up.
While we had requests from women for more information about squirting, anecdotally, men seemed more excited about it. I’ve wondered whether a women’s interest in squirting was truly from her own authentic desire, or if it actually originates from male desire - becoming something women were interested in, in order to please their male partners. Personally, I have always assumed this fascination with female ejaculation came from the masculine understanding of sexuality: that ejaculation = orgasm/pleasure.
However, according to one PornHub Insight Report, the term “lesbian squirt” is searched 321% more by women than men and overall, women are 44% more likely than men to search for any keyword related to squirting. This got me curious about the experience of squirting that other women have… do other women experience orgasm and extraordinary pleasure at the point of ejaculation? Was I just the outlier?
There was only one way to find out…
The good thing about being a sexual wellness professional is that your friends come to expect crazy and outrageous questions from you about their sex life.
One friend was willing to share her squirting story. She had bought the NJoy Pure Wand with the intention to make herself squirt. The first time she used it, she had the same thought I did: This probably isn’t going to “work” for me. After pleasuring herself for a while, it hadn’t happened and she thought to herself, I just need to release! (more evidence that squirting is like a release!) and then when she had removed the wand and was more relaxed, her body completely released and it happened. She was even able to make it happen over and over again once the floodgates, so to speak, had been opened.
I think what’s interesting here is that we as women, really have a lot of anxieties around our sexuality, even when we are alone. We are concerned that if something doesn’t “work” for us, that there is something wrong or different about us. The reality is that each of our bodies, turn-ons and sexuality are different - we are all different.
In our squirting workshop, taught by Portia of Froetic Sexology, participants made comments like, “When I squirt it feels like I’m going to pee and it makes me nervous so I stop” or, “I don’t orgasm when I squirt, is this normal?” The anxiety and pressure that women feel to “perform” seems pervasive. I can't help but wonder if this concern about squirting is because our male-centric society has convinced us that squirting is necessary for sexual satisfaction, or that we’re missing out on something if we don’t ejaculate.
For those who had experienced squirting, several of them used the same words I had used: that it was like a release. So maybe squirting is really about the release, and practicing allowing your body to fully open and let go. Perhaps for women, squirting is less about a heightened state of pleasure or orgasm and more about being able to relax, let go and release - all things that are usually challenging for women when it comes to sex.
What I would like people to know about female ejaculation is that it’s likely not going to be the peak of arousal, the height of orgasm or the point of no return like it is for men. It’s often a distinct experience from the female orgasm - a completely different feeling and often incongruous with orgasm. For others, orgasm may indeed happen during squirting or post-squirt when they are relaxed. Either way, check in with yourself around why you’re interested in doing this thing.
Are you interested in it because you feel it is something you need to “achieve” in order to be a sexually experienced person? Is it because you think it will be even better than any orgasm you’ve had thus far? Maybe you are curious to find out - that is totally valid and worthy of exploration! But if you check in with yourself, and find that you’re actually interested in it because of pressure from a partner or because of something you’ve internalized from porn, patriarchal views of sexuality or an insecurity about your body - hold off. Work with yourself to understand where this came from. Work to release any shame or self-deprecation for not having done it yet. Once you have cleared this, if there remains a curiosity for your own benefit, by all means dive in!
Some quick tips on how to squirt (Adapted from Portia, Froetic Sexology):
- Go to the bathroom before you practice. Emptying your bladder will reduce any anxiety that you will pee. The feeling of squirting does feel like peeing since the fluid is coming from the urethra (however, the contents of this liquid is not urine) so peeing beforehand will help you relax in knowing you are not peeing :)
- In case it wasn’t clear… you need to relax in order to squirt. Easy enough to say, but make sure you’re practicing this with a partner you are completely comfortable around. For your first time, it’s probably a good idea to try it on your own and in a bathtub if you’re concerned about your sheets (the fluid won’t stain your sheets but you’ll definitely need to wash them post-ejaculation).
- You’ll need prolonged and rather intense stimulation of either the erectile tissue near the G-spot or the clitoris (or both), for more than 20 minutes. Most likely, a hand will get tired after some time so a toy is a great tool for this.
For that, we have some excellent products we recommend. Revered by sex bloggers and sex goddesses in the know everywhere, the previously mentioned NJoy Pure Wand is the OG squirting tool. The wand is pure medical grade stainless steel and it is HEAVY - around two pounds. The weight of this wand is what gives it its special magic.
There have been many copycats of this wand but lower-quality versions use cheaper steel (or even worse, use alloys which are not body safe!) which do not give the wand it's all-necessary heft. The weight allows for a “thuddy” stimulation against the G-spot which Portia recommends is necessary for G-spot derived squirting.
The wand has two bulbs on either end - choose whichever is right for you and insert with the bulb facing up. What people often don’t realize is that the G-Spot (and the gland nearby where the ejaculate fluid is produced) is not very deep inside the vagina - only about 2-3 inches inside. The arm of the wand is not meant to be inserted all the way inside the vagina, but rather the length of the wand allows you to have leverage and apply pressure against the G-spot as you hold the other end of the wand.
Some people prefer clitoral stimulation to activate squirting, which is totally possible as well. For that we recommend a wand-style vibrator with a large head that will cover a greater surface area than your traditional vibrators. The Le Wand is our ultimate pick for this. The head is larger than most other wand vibrators out there, allowing for wider stimulation of the external clitoris and vulva. It’s also incredibly powerful… like crazy powerful... and the battery life is several hours. Again, you’ll need to use this for a prolonged period of time - more than 20 minutes - before you get to the point of ejaculation. Continue for as long as it feels pleasurable and be patient!
So what do you think? Is squirting something you’re interested in trying for your own sexual exploration, or is it something you feel you *should* be doing? It’s easy to get caught up in the trap of “keeping up with the Joneses” but I promise you, your sexual experience is no worse and no better with or without squirting. It’s all about mindset and focusing on the things that feel good for you. Life is already so full of pressure, let up on the sexual kind!