By: Starielle Hope
Do you ever feel like you hear other people talk about this incredibly powerful, mind-blowing sex their having and wonder if you might be missing out on something? For years I was having sex that I thought was quite good, I was having orgasms regularly, it felt great to relax and snuggle with my partner afterward. I was pretty sure that was what sex was. I heard other people talk about these mind-blowing experiences they were having but I thought that was just for them, not for me.
Over the course of the last few years, though, the sex I’ve been having has evolved from good, to great, to fucking transformational. As I’ve created space for more and more energy to move through my body, I’ve started to experience sex that feels psychedelic, magical, super complex yet utterly primal and simple at the same time.
Does this require years of tantric training and complicated techniques? Actually no, not at all in my experience. Below you’ll find the four simple steps that have changed everything for me in the bedroom:
Step One - Deepen Your Breath
One of my favorite quotes of all time is “The way you breathe is the way you live, whether it be shallow and quick or slow and deep”. This is no different in sex. The next time you make love with a partner or self-pleasure, notice what happens with your breath. Of course it’s completely normal and wonderful to feel excitement and a quickening of breath. I invite you to challenge yourself to breath as fully and deeply as you can, even as you become excited.
Step Two - Track Physical Sensations In Your Body
Next time you make love or self-pleasure, scan your body for physical sensations (and I don’t just mean in your pussy here). Start at the top of your head and move down your body, through your neck, shoulders, chest, belly and all the way down to your toes. You are looking for any kinds of physical sensations. This can be a feeling of open/expansiveness, a feeling of tension/contraction or it could be a buzzing energy, warmth, cool, even a distinct absence of feeling in an area you might normally experience sensations in.
These physical sensations (or lack of them in some cases) is your body’s way of communicating with you. If you’ve ever felt like you and your body are not on the same team or have been at odds with each other in the bedroom, this exercise can be incredibly powerful. When you notice these physical sensations, simply breathe into them, inviting them to share anything they want to express. You may be surprised to hear what your body has been trying to tell you.
Step Three - Make Sounds
Yup, seriously, and the weirder the better, as long as their authentic to you! The three keys for moving energy through our bodies are: Breath, movement, and sound. This is why exercise is such a powerful stress reliever, because when we exercise we move our bodies vigorously and breathe heavily. As socialized humans in Western Society, though, the sound part is usually the trickiest. If we can manage, though, to move through our self-consciousness around making sounds, it is incredibly powerful to add this last and crucial piece of the triad. In my experience, being able to move more energy through my body has been absolutely crucial for me to be able to experience more joy, pleasure, creativity, and inspiration. If you’re not regularly making sounds during sex, you are shutting down one-third of your capacity to move energy, and thus shutting down at least one-third of your pleasure.
I know it can feel crazy embarrassing, trust me, I really get it. But you don’t have to scream like a banshee - although more power to you if you do! Start gently. As you are tracking your physical sensation as I described in step two, start to allow those physical sensations to make sounds through your mouth, throat, and voice. For example, if you feel a physical sensation of tension around your heart, breathe deeply into that tension, and then allow yourself to make whatever sound that tension wants to make. Or, if you are feeling pleasurable sensations in your clit or pussy, tune in more deeply to those sensations with a deep breath in, and then allow those sensations to sound through your mouth on the exhale.
This may feel silly or awkward at first, but I promise you it gets easier pretty quickly. If you feel more comfortable, start by adding this into your self-pleasure ritual so that you don’t have to worry about what your partner might think for now. Although I will tell you, all of the men I know and have worked with would be thrilled to hear any and all of your noises during sex.
Step Four - Presence
One of the fundamental things I have learned from studying Tantra is that having incredible sex is dependent at most 20% on technique and the other 80% on presence. If you doubt me at all on this, imagine eating a piece of rich chocolate cake while watching a riveting show on television. Sure, you’re tasting and enjoying that cake but if most of your attention is focused on the show you may be surprised to look down and see that cake is gone and you barely remember eating it.
Compare this experience to sharing the same piece of cake with your lover in a romantic restaurant, lovingly feeding each other small bites and each of you watching the other savor their bite before taking another. Imagine being fully present with that cake, feeling the texture, the sweetness, the tartness of the dark chocolate on your tongue, with each devastatingly delicious bite. You probably know where I’m going with this, sex is exactly the same. The more focused we are on our bodies and our connection with our partner, the more delicious sex becomes as our experience of the sensations is heightened intensely.
Focusing on presence can pay huge dividends in all areas of your life, but particularly in sex and all of our other sensual delights: Eating, creating art, consuming art, dancing, listening to music. It also happens to be incredibly challenging, so please don’t beat yourself up if you still find your mind wandering during sex, it happens to all of us. Instead, consider any of the sensual endeavors you enjoy on a regular basis to be a training ground for presence. Each time you find your mind wandering, bring yourself back to the present moment gently and lovingly. How would it feel to savor every bite of your food fully? To lose yourself completely in your favorite song? To be fully in the physical sensations of your body during love-making?