By: Josefina Bashout
Our level of experiencing joy is directly proportional to how much goodness we can allow ourselves to receive.
How good can you stand it?
When I was first asked this question many years ago at a New Year’s Eve party, I was sitting half-naked in a hot tub and these words trickled through me sending a jolt of electricity through my entire body that hit me as truth. Somewhere along the way of growing up, finding myself, creating my best version of my Self, and establishing my career, I created an internal quota for myself and how much joy I could experience in order to not get too carried away and potentially lose it all.
In transparency, there was also a part of me that still didn’t feel worthy or deserving enough to receive at such a great level of goodness, and when I learned this about myself I went on a mission to dive deeper into my desires and discover just how good it can get in my life, in all areas, and in all the ways. I’m winning big time, with all of my wildest dreams coming true in the most effortless and pleasurable ways that I had no idea were possible until I met myself in this way!
Could you be resisting the good and placing a limit on how much of your desires you’re allowed to receive?
There is a real reality that you may be too afraid to ask for your deepest heartfelt desires now that you’re not a kid anymore. I remembered as a young girl looking through my “Toys ‘R’ Us” magazines that would be mailed to our house in October to see which gifts I would want to receive in December for Christmas. It brought me so much joy to look page by page, touching the glossy and colorful pictures that aroused my innocent excitement and tickled my heart. I would take a highlighter and use pink for my top desired toys and a blue one for my second most desired toys and I had so much fun picking out what I wanted and not knowing which ones I would actually get when that exciting day came. The sheer joy of the whole process from October - December, knowing that one day I would get what I wanted but didn’t know exactly when or in which way. Highlighting to me that it didn’t matter if I had the object of my desire right now or later, I could still choose to feel joyful and happy inside basking in the pleasure of my desire which became a gift in itself.
I shared this story with a girlfriend that knew I was writing this article and she pointed out to me that I was practicing the art of tantra from such a young age, naturally, and didn’t even know it! What’s even funnier is that now as a woman, I pretty much do the same thing today when I’m shopping for new adult toys! I take my time, keep it on the page, go back to it and allow for my desire to build up before I'm so quick to hit the ‘buy’ button. But here’s my secret about why this works for me. I have mastered how to stay in the feeling of my desires without focusing or even considering the painful feelings of not having the thing I desire right now at my fingertips.
So many women that I have helped have learned ways to mute their desires all together for the fear of the pain and the limiting belief that they won’t receive it, will get hurt or disappointed in the process, are too busy in their minds to even enjoy it or that it will all be taken away from them so they better not even open up to the idea. This is a reality for many regardless of the desires whether it is focused on sex, love, money, pleasure, or a partner.
As a society, we have lost touch with the sensual & sexual arts focused on the power source that comes from teasing, playing, and arousing our senses so that our desires can grow bigger. Feeling deeper, enlivened, excited and giddy before we fully receive that which we crave the most. The joy of elongating and lingering in our desires has become a lost art form that I feel is really needed to be rediscovered by women living and working in our modern world that is catered to rapid instant gratification. It’s totally fucking with us, our pleasure, our bodies, our orgasms, and our mental health!!
The REAL juicy, deep, rapturous connections we crave to what we desire the most isn't something that can be quickly ordered on Postmates and get delivered to our doorstep in an instacart. Ecstatic rapture asks more of us and yet so many women ignore this message and go for the quick fix, fast food pleasure that only meets the surface of our hunger but will do so over creating the time and space needed to dive deeper into the mysteries of their own desires because it scratches the itch. Now we can move on to the next thing we want to accomplish and gain. We have become so goal-oriented in our behavior as women that we take this same thinking and action steps when it comes to the way we touch, speak, love, and pleasure ourselves. We have become masculine in our approach to receiving our feminine desires.
We may not even see that this is also how we are being with our lover - hurrying them up, rushing to get on to the next phase of rushing ourselves to warm up faster, open up our sexual energies quicker or orgasm on command. The feminine within will not be rushed; all the pleasures and desires that come along with your connection to Her won’t be either.
Instead of focusing on the reaction to move forward & faster, how about we focus on the enjoyment, pleasure, and the natural pace at which things are moving. There’s a mantra I give to my clients, “Everything is fine, everything is Divine.” When we are a beginner or a student at something new, we come in with a curious and open mind so everything we do in the learning is fine and acceptable. When we drop the stories of how things should be and we show up willing to meet ourselves in the mystery where our desires and the divine live, magic takes place and we can once again taste the sweetness of liberation.
Become fascinated with the FEELING of your desire and stay here for as long as you possibly can, expanding your ability to stay open to it all now that there is no longer a need to protect or control the outcome. Everything we desire is because deep down we know that it will give us a feeling we want to experience but it’s not the actual things we want - it’s the feeling we want. We get trained by life situations to respond quickly and move faster to “fix” what we don’t like or to move faster towards what we do want - yet we missteps along the way that helps make the dance of our desires enjoyable. Elongating your desires makes the process feel more like a dance instead of a race.
IT’S ABOUT ALLOWING
I know I have way too many times to count before I rediscovered this pleasure power source again later in my life. Longing can build desire but it can also create self-judgment, upset, shame, lack, and fear if we allow those inner voices to take the lead. This part of you is self-sabotaging and putting a limit on how much good you can experience, creating an upper limiting belief trying to bring you back down.
I suggest we change the narrative to one that focuses on allowing the process to open us in new ways that actually support us flourishing in love, sex, pleasure, and joy. The way we feel in our bodies can unconsciously rob us of the goodness that is waiting to meet us. We need to slow down the process, breathe, connect, and feel through our body with subtle sensations of what is happening inside of us - these are clues that we are getting closer or moving farther away from what we truly desire. It’s the feeling that we are always after in the end as the feminine for it's the driving force for why we go after our goals.
Give yourself the permission to be slow, tender, kind, and approving of yourself when it comes to diving deep into your desires and exploring your own sensuality and pleasure. SLOWING DOWN is a technique and practice that many of us forget is important to our wellbeing and is the fuel to our sensual pulse as well as elongating the feel-good feelings we desire the most.
Tapping into the subtleties and the details, instead of the fast pace, will help you in connecting to this power source. You can start by practicing sensual alignment through setting intentions for your desires which shifts you into a new, tantric approach to relating to your desires, focusing on the love & joy without the pressure of outcome. Go into a deep dive into your desire and discover what you really, really want. This is a process that helps you get into touch with what you want and what you desire but the real gem here is that you will also discover a power source from within that will empower you through the process. Setting intentions for your desires allows your mind to let go and relax so that your energy can flow.
This is the KEY piece to staying in the feeling long term! We can't rush ourselves to open and warm up just like we can't rush a rose to open and bloom before it’s ready. It needs the time to mature, soften, to build its aromatic juices because before that, the rose isn’t as sweet in its essence. We as the feminine are no different.
How much we can hold is how much will meet us. How much goodness are we allowing into our bodies and lives? How much openness can we stand?
It takes courage to want to deep dive into your own desires and you have to let go of your shame, guilt, fears of being selfish.
Create the time, space, and energy to truly know your feminine power.
Practice being patient and enjoy the process. Somewhere we have glossed over this key piece in intimacy and seem to want to move on and upwards so quickly but our sensuality doesn't adhere to this logical thinking because our body is not built of logic.
It is built of magic & medicine.
So my question for you now is…..How much goodness will you choose to receive??
Make your previous ceiling your floor and expand into a state of being limitless and your desires will expand and greet you in this new playing field.
Photo by Josefina Bashout